


This Is Home

by Fendork



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Beau and Caleb talk it out, Beau is a walking disaster lesbian who tries her best, Caleb dealing with his demons, Caleb deserves happiness guys, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, General warning for a lot of angst ridden anxiety and trauma, Grief/Mourning, I love her, Other, PTSD, aftermath of the backstory reveal, friendship building, lots of Caleb angst, minor spoilers for episode 19?, some Molly/Caleb if you squint hard enough??, spoilers for episode 18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 18:04:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14720976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fendork/pseuds/Fendork
Summary: Caleb calls himself a coward, but a man who fights and admits to his demon is a man braver than most.In which Caleb breaks after confessing about his troubled past and comes to discover that perhaps the home he longed to return to had actually been beside him the entire time...





	This Is Home

**Author's Note:**

> So this originally started off as a 400 word poem and I may have gotten VERY carried away. Episode18 left me with many emotions and I knew I had to try to write something for it. This is based roughly on the gangs first night of travelling from Zadash, so some slight spoilers from episode19 will be mentioned. 
> 
> The title is named after the song "This is Home" by Cavetown. It's beautiful and amazing. Please listen to it. 
> 
> I also have a fan-made Caleb playlist over on Spotify which i listened to while writing most of this, feel free to check it out here if you would like: https://open.spotify.com/user/fendork/playlist/0nUOXI6JCZxJoxii2iHH75?si=HmsEgbIpS6mBtmfi2ZSfNw 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy!
> 
> (Like always sorry in advance for any possible spelling/grammatical errors!)

It was all too much, and Caleb couldn’t deal with it. 

Ever since his trauma-ridden confessions to Beau and Nott, Caleb Widogast had become numb from the pain. The memories of times he both longed for and regrettably despised replayed in his head till it drove him to the point of insanity. Voices he wished he could forget ringing within his mind as bright, overwhelming images burnt and flickered into his darkened vision every time he dared to close his eyes. The sudden sickening reminder of the all-consuming torture of the past was thrown at him like a brick, and the mental walls he had spent years creating that sat layered in his head to force the demons of his living nightmares to keep their distance had been all but been destroyed with hardly a few spoken words.

“It’s the right thing to do.” Caleb had tried so desperately to tell himself through the painfully long hours of contemplating his choices and looking at all the possible outcomes of the truth he wished to confess.

The wondering man had grown to become old and tired, and his soul twisted to be nothing but empty and hollow. Caleb wished only to run and hide from the horrible world that chased him with never ending determination, to run and hide himself away so no one had to be in the presence of the disgusting monster that he was. The world was safer when he was alone with no one around - or so he had thought. However, the sinned man with bloodied and burnt hands wished only to return home to the place he missed ever so dearly.

But he had no home, not anymore.

He belonged only as a criminal of the burning prison of his own tormented mind, trapped within its charred and smoke filled walls to suffer alone. However, he was the one to make sure to lock its door and throw away the key for he had convinced himself that he wanted to burn with it, to feel the pain that he knew he deserved.

“It’s simple,” He told his conscious, “Just tell her what she wants so you can get your books, so you can change what you did. Who cares if they hate you? You can’t keep hiding yourself from them.”

And he had believed it, for a while.

He believed it because he knew that if he didn’t he would lose all hope of fixing the ashes of destruction he had caused and the lives he had destroyed. All he needed to do was try, as he knew that if he didn’t the already fading light of peace and redemption he begged and worked so hard for would become even further away from his grasp.

“Why are you afraid of fire?” Beau had asked, unaware truly what she was really asking for.

The question played on Caleb's mind like a scratched record on repeat, drilling into his head until it was all he could hear and all he could think of.

It was all too much, and Caleb couldn’t dealt with it. So with his pounding heart in his throat he took a deep breath and buried his worries as best as he could. He closed his eyes and thought back on the life he had used to have before it all went so horribly wrong. He remembered the memory of his mother and father holding his hands when he was so very young, running with him through the fields of the lonely town he had grown up in as all they all sung childish rhymes and smiled without a care, simply because they were happy and so terribly innocent. And Caleb had laughed, his young freckled face red with life and his everlasting shining grin as bright and large as the sun that sat above. It felt like a lifetime ago, a past life full of emotions and feelings he couldn't hardly even remember the sensation of...

All he had to do was tell her and perhaps he could finally leave his burning prison of guilt. All he had to do was tell her the truth and maybe, just maybe, he could return home to the time he longed for. Perhaps he could fix all he had done, maybe he was going to be okay...

He was so very, very sure...

until he wasn’t.

The words he kept locked away from others poured out from his broken mind to his lips and wouldn’t stop. Everything that he longed to hide away and forget escaping from him without any control. His childhood, his home, his parents... He wanted to stop, Gods all he wanted to do was stop. But like an overflowing damn about to crack he no longer could contain the war raging in his head, he no longer could bring himself to pretend.

It was meant to have been easy, that’s what his allies had told him. It was meant to make him feel better but instead the truth he told made him feel only worse for not only did he risk loosing his closest companions but also his already shattering mind. It all came back to him like a tidal wave of memories slamming down upon him and drowning him in sorrow and guilt, and the chaos he kept to himself was now free from its cage. He couldn’t deal with the screaming, the tears and pleads of his parents yelling and begging for mercy, begging for him to rescue them from the hellfire he had trapped them within. He couldn’t deal with the way Beau kept looking at him, the way her judging stares burnt into the back of his head when she believed him not to be looking. The way Nott kept glaring up at him with worried sympathy in her glowing eyes asking if he was okay, telling him with clueless kindness that he wasn’t broken. Telling him that he wasn’t bad nor evil and that he could be forgiven for what he had done and that it wasn’t his fault.

“I’ll just keep telling you that until you believe me.” She had said to him as he sat trembling through tears of self loathing anger and shame he struggled to hold back, his hands shaking as he tried to grip onto the last few threads of remaining sanity he still had left.

 _She was lying_ , he had yelled to himself through corrupted thoughts. _She hates you, they all do..._

_And you deserve it._

\----

The Mighty Nein had left Zadash in the late morning of Whelsen, heading out with their cart full of recently earned bountiful rewards with re-found eagerness and a new hope for a promising adventure that didn’t involve the dangers and risks of distant war and the pressuring call of the Empire. They had all decided to meet up with the Gentleman once again beforehand, who with his usual charm and intimidating demeanour convinced the ragtag group to take up one of his bounties in return for coin. After sometime of negotiating their pay and trying to drag a flirtatious Beau away from Kara they accepted the offer and set out on there way ready to travel. Surprisingly to the Nein the new day seemed to show promising weather, being that of bright and warm unlike the night before that tainted the nearby land with rainfall and darkened overcast. Now not a single cloud lay in the crystal clear sky above, and the worry of rain was all but eliminated for their hopes of travel. The sun beamed down upon the open road that sat ahead of them, peaceful and welcoming.

Caleb rubbed the back of his head trying ever so desperately on focusing to stop the visible tremor that still rattled through his hands. He knew he was more distant and shut off then usual after the events of the troublesome night before but he couldn’t bring himself to engage with anyone, he couldn’t dare to let them risk hearing the suffering and strain in his voice. He just couldn’t risk it. He sighed, continuing to follow in pursuit where ever his allies went, his eyes glued to his spell book that he pretended to carefully read.

“We all ready to head out?” Fjord called out to the scattered group as he swung a heavy bag over the side of their cart, trying his hardest to haul it over without looking like he was obviously struggling.

Jester beamed widely, replying quickly mid-conversation before continuing to loudly talk about what she had been previously. She skipped over to the wooden cart and jumping up onto it she sat herself in the far corner, shortly followed by Yasha and Nott who tagged close behind. Beau pulled herself up from the side, leaping over and dramatically sitting herself down next to Yasha with an accomplishment smirk. Molly simply chuckled, before sitting down opposite to Beau and Yasha as he eyed the monk with a cocky but meaningful nod of approval.

The green half-orc hoisted himself up by the horses and taking hold of the reins he looked back, raising an eyebrow at the human who stood unmoving, “Caleb, you ready?”

Caleb looked up suddenly from the pages of his book, a blank but yet rather startled expression drawn across his face, “Hm?”

The Mighty Nein stared down at him and Caleb glared back with wide eyes as he realized his companions sat glaring down upon him from the cart with confused expressions masked across their faces, awaiting for his response.

“Oh, uh...” Caleb eyes darted around anxiously, and nodding slightly he closed his large book and quickly put it back in his tattered overcoat, “Ja, sorry...”

He stumbled over to the cart and lifted himself up onto it, quickly trying to locate the closest available spot to sit while also trying to not draw too much attention to himself.

It’s next to Molly, he realized. And he closed his eyes, mentally sighing now knowing his already lingering headache would now surly come back at full force.

It had to be the loudest and brightest one...

The flamboyant tiefling watched Caleb intently as he walked past him to sit down, leaning back relaxed and carefree as he shuffled his cards that danced magically across his gliding fingers. Like the others he simply stared, and Caleb tried his hardest to avoid his gaze that he could feel follow and burn into him.

He shuffled past everyone else and hurriedly sat himself next to Molly, absentmindedly stroking Frumpkin as the cat rubbed himself up against Caleb’s scruffy beard. Molly had smiled at first, red eyes full of intrigued wonder as he looked over at the purring cat sat on the shoulders of the man beside him. His eyes then however drifted to the face of the freckled man. His usual flirtatious grin climbed up on his lips as always, but as Caleb glanced up from his feet to meet his gaze he shortly then noticed something else entirely begin to crawl across the expression of the lavender tiefling. Molly’s eyebrows knitted close together and eyes shone with something that seemed almost foreign to his usually vibrant and dazzling cheerful face. It was pity, Caleb realized. A type of worried carefulness that sat looking back at him and smiling with what could only be silenced solace. The top of the wizards ears turned red, and Caleb shortly felt his cheeks blush. He quickly looked back at the floor, trying to avoid Molly's sympathetic look.

“Does he know...?” Caleb wondered, heart racing as he prayed that Molly didn’t ask any questions.

Molly flicked his wrist and held out a selection of cards towards the ginger man, pointed teeth visible as his smile widened into that of like a Cheshire Cat, “Pick a card, Mr Widogast?”

Caleb looked back up, and just like that the worried expression he had thought he saw was gone.

By the time it was the late afternoon the Mighty Nein had already been travelling by cart and horseback for what seemed like an endless eternity, all starting to grow restless from hours of tiresome travel. Molly and Jester were of course the ones who decided on the call for a break after noticing the restless atmosphere surrounding the group, suggesting they all stretch their legs for a bit and take a walk to a lake they had seen in the far distance. No one disagreed.

Caleb walked with the others to begin with, reserved and distant from their bustling and noisy conversations but yet still he stayed at their side as they talked among one another.

“You’re awfully quiet today Caleb, everything good?” Fjord questioned with his usual calm and soothingly understanding tone.

Caleb felt the air thicken straight away, and as he glanced about on instinct hoping someone would sarcastically reply about how he was always quiet like they always did he instead turned to see the panicked look in Beau and Nott's eyes, watching him closely with tension and curiosity. He could only invisibly plead that they wouldn’t say the truth.

As silence fell upon them Caleb scratched his beard nervously, “I uh, didn’t sleep too well.”

It wasn’t completely a lie.

The wizard stuffed his clammy hands into his pockets as he tried his hardest to act like nothing at all had happened, to act like he wasn’t falling apart.

Fjord nodded, “You tell us if you ain’t feeling too well, okay?”

“I’m with Fjord there, “ Molly agreed as he slapped the half-orc friendly on the back, “Don’t want to have you passing out on us.”

Caleb mumbled a reply, bobbing his head in a rushed agreement he didn’t exactly plan on keeping his promise to.

Gazing out upon the open summer fields Caleb continued to stagger on with his allies who walked with an upbeat, thriving form of energy that the tired and downtrodden man knew he obviously lacked. The long grass blew against his legs as it sung a collection of overlapping eerie melodies with the light grassland wind that Caleb couldn’t bare to listen to. All he could hear was screaming.

Caleb ran his hand through his tangled and greasy hair,

_You’re hopeless._

He had tried to tell himself he had been fine, at first. He was fine until his thoughts became too chaotic, till he found himself struggling to focus on the world around him. Muttering incoherently to himself he sighed, deafening sounds and endless noises ringing in his head as he held back the desperate need to scream, to cry for help. Everything burned, and he felt nothing but pain and despair.

It was all too much, and Caleb couldn’t deal with it all. But yet he marched on, like always. For he had no other choice.

After a while he found himself lagging behind, the voices of his allies becoming merged and distant till he begun to struggle to understand their meanings. Taking one aimless step after another he continued to stagger forward trying his hardest to keep up, but he’s exhausted. He’s broken. He can’t bring himself to look up at any of them, to ask them to wait for him and beg them to hold him as he breaks apart like the mess that he is. His mind twists and rips apart his thoughts and he can’t do anything but listen to their sickening and horrid words. He can’t help but be a lone.

 _And I deserve it_ , he told himself.

Caleb frowned, eyes glazed and expression distant, hands routinely fiddling and tracing over the familiar and soothing shape of the diamond he held in his hands as his mind lay elsewhere.

 _They hate you_ , the voices wickedly sung to him, _They will tell the others what you told them, they probably already have._

_You’re worthless, nothing but a monster._

_You don’t deserve them as your friends._

“Caleb?”

He looked up suddenly, startled by the unexpected voice that wasn’t that of the intrusive thoughts from his own head. His panicked eyes darted for the voice that had called to him till they fell upon a small green hooded figure. There stood Nott, walking at a slow pace beside him, eyes wide and concerned as she looked up with her usual curious and concerned look.

“Are you okay?” She asked gently, reaching out and resting her hand on Caleb’s that still gripped tightly onto the diamond that he held closely to his chest absentmindedly fiddling with.

Caleb forced a halfhearted smile, “Ja...”

He swallowed nervously on habit, his dry throat sore and itchy.

“You don’t have to lie you know,” Nott told him, “That’s Molly job.”

Caleb let out a soft chuckle before his sight once again drifted back down to the dirt and overgrown grass below his green as he quickly fell to a fearful hush, somehow hoping to avert his little friends concerns while he anxiously clenched his jaw and pretended to not pay anymore attention.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” She questioned anyway, her once curious and supporting voice suddenly becoming more serious in tone.

_Tap, tap, tap._

Caleb bounced his fingers up and down on the diamond he held, the quiet and habitual noise rushing through into his head that he hoped would keep him sane.

_She doesn’t actually care, why would she? She doesn’t need you._

The light afternoon wind picked up speed again blowing gently through his ginger hair and for a brief moment Caleb was elsewhere, away with his thoughts and running with the darkness.

 _She’s scared of you_ , his mind echoes.

_She hates you._

“Caleb?”

The wizard flinched, “I think I am just tired, that’s all.” He had quickly lied with a shaky breath, “It’s been a long day and we have traveled far. I just need some rest, I’ll be fine.”

In truth, Caleb couldn’t deal with it all. He couldn’t deal with the feeling of nausea in his gut and the endless pounding in his head caused by the anxiety that clawed restlessly at his mind and the memories that haunted him with sickening cries.

Nott reassuringly smiled with tainted sadness in her yellow eyes that speckled throughout her worried expression, “Okay...”

She patted his clenched hand, his knuckles white with stress, “But if you need to talk I’m right here, yeah?”

Caleb nodded. But he couldn’t deal with what he had done, he couldn’t deal with any of it.

\----

When they had all finally decided to set up camp for the night the sun had already long fell behind the rolling hills and the crescent half moons had rose to appear from just over the horizon, hanging low in the sky as the countless stars shone and blinked from high above.

It was quiet, peaceful. Almost.

Fjord and Nott tied their worn out and drowsy horses to a near by oak tree while Jester, Yasha and Molly unpacked the cart to search for anything they had decided they may need for their night under the stars. Beau however sat unnaturally and uncharacteristically quiet, hunched over by the burning camp fire as she chewed on left over bacon and examined a folded up pamphlet she had been handed earlier in the day by passing merchant travelers. She flipped over the pages and titles lazily, scanning over the wordings and images with what seemed like bored carelessness without obviously freighting to take in any of the fine details or vivid descriptions it had to offer. Caleb sat opposite, his exhausted eyes drawn to the pages of his open book but yet his desired focus sat on stroking under the fluffy chin of a very affectionate and comforting Frumpkin. The cat purred happily, rubbing himself up against Caleb’s gloved hand and chewing at its already falling apart fabric. A terrible and awkward silence sat upon the two humans, and although neither of them would admit to it they both knew exactly where each others thoughts really lay. The tension seemingly could only be cut with a knife, and as Beau moved her position and her leg fell loudly off the log she had before sat cross legged on with a mighty “thud” Caleb couldn’t help but visibly flinch in worry that the sudden noise would then lead to an unwelcoming conversation he only wished to avoid. The monk sniffed obnoxiously, wiping her nose on her pulled over sleeved hood before glaring over at the ginger wizard.

“Hey, Caleb?” She spoke, breaking the once horrid silence. He was right.

Caleb slowly looked up from his lap and behind the other side of low burning camp fire he could now see the young blue monk staring at him with a piercing glare, face stern and unreadable as always. The log fire flames that lingered across from his vision sat in-between them both like a mask, obscuring Beaus face as it danced and flickered with intimidating carefulness. He gulped, eyes averting her own as he shifted uneasily, his feet uncontrollably tapping and scarping on the dirt ground below him as his nerves took over and became restless.

_She hates you._

Caleb replied barely above a whisper, “Ja?”

“You wanna read this?” She asked, her voice flat and monotone sounding as if she was trying to sound as uninterested as possible.

Before he could even get the chance to reply Beauregard threw the pamphlet she had briefly been reading across the open glowing flames over to him. Caleb reached up to catch it, fumbling and clumsily trying to grab it a few times till he finally managed to get it in his grasp. He then looked down upon it, raising an eyebrow at the crinkled and badly folded up pamphlet.

Caleb blinked, “Uh, what is it?”

“Some crappy pamphlet I got given, you might like it. Y’know, since you like reading and all.” Beauregard replied, fiddling and looking down upon her black painted nails.

The folded paper book was light blue in colour and although ripped at the corners and sides from being poorly handled Caleb could make out a title that read, “The Eagle’s Eye”, briefly followed up by lots of smaller lines of fancy text under it.

Beau coughed into the silence that had fallen on them once again and mumbling she added on, “Too many words for me.”

The wizard unfolded and opened up one of the sides of the pamphlet, and staring upon the first few pages he started to read the different large separate chunks of writing that listed seemingly endless prices of purchasable goods as well showed many small colourful illustrations of different arcane looking objects beside them. The immense range of what was available to potentially buy was staggering, and he studied it all with wonder and amazement at what had to be one of the largest collections of magical items he had ever seen in his entire life.

Beau watched Caleb as he passionately read and closely observed the first few pages, “I just saw stuff in there about that type of magic you like so I thought you might be interested, that’s all. I was thinking maybe we can go there one day or something. They seem to sell a lot of that nerd stuff you like.”

_She cares about you... ?_

Caleb paused, slowly taking in and realizing the unexpected meaning of the words that had escaped from her usually brutally honest lips that he was so used to hearing bathed in layers of sarcasm and relaxed wit. Now instead however Caleb could only hear what was kindness, far from what he had thought was her standard Beau like charm. The carefree monk being thoughtful and handing out compliments that weren’t forced nor seemingly insulting? It almost made him chuckle.

Caleb felt a faint smile tug at his lips as he looked up, “Thank you, Beauregard. That was very considerate of you.”

She ripped at her half eaten bacon as she chewed it loudly with her mouth open, “Yeah, don’t mention it.”

Beau kept her eyes elsewhere however, obviously not used to the type of sincere and calm conversation she had put herself in. Quietness fell upon the two again as Caleb read over the knowledgeable pamphlet in his hands and Beau stared down at her feet, wooden staff in one hand. She ran her fingers through her dark hair, anxiously left to her own thoughts.

_Just tell him._

“Y’know I don’t care right?” She had suddenly brought up over the light crackling of the flames and distant banter of friends.

Caleb’s face fell to a frown, “What?”

Beau sat up from her hunched position, her posture almost completely straight in an attempt to show she was serious and meaningful. Her eyes sat fully focused on the broken man just ahead of her.

She spoke clear, her voice dead serious, “What you told me the other night about why you’re afraid of fire, I don’t care.”

Caleb held his breath, every bone and muscle in his body feeling as if they had frozen and locked into place. Frumpkin rubbed his face up against his in response, kneading his paws into his companions tattered scarf.

Beau’s voice however quickly fell back to her normal, rushed tone, “Like it was super fucked up, don’t get me wrong. But It’s pretty obvious that you’re not that person anymore.”

She paused for a second, “Anyway, you didn’t even want to be that way to begin with, right? You were forced by that nut job dude Trent, or whatever.”

“That doesn’t change anything!” Caleb had quickly snapped, his voice cracked and uncontrollable emotions flared.

Hands shaking from seething anger the wizard sighed and looked away, reaching up and scratching his beard as he shrunk back down with the anxiety of his sudden outburst.

Beau shook her head and scoffed, “Caleb, that changes everything.”

“Look, I can’t say I know what you’re going through and what you had to go through, but I know what it’s like to be forced to be someone you’re not...” She stopped for a second and exhaled, seemingly contemplating to continue, “To do things you regret...”

The freckled man fiddled with his ring as he sat hunched staring at the ground with his messy and overgrown hair hung over his woeful face.

Beau continued after all went quiet, “Anyway, we are all pretty fucking shitty and messed up people if you didn’t notice.”

Caleb looked up slowly, his tired eyes shallow and full of sorrow.

“I mean, Molly woke up in the ground with no memories and was apparently fucked up for months, Jester was kicked out of her own home and is trying to find her dad who pretty much abandoned her before she was even born, Nott has to deal with all the crap that comes from being a goblin, Yasha runs away at random times for “personal reasons” and Gods know what the hell Fjord is keeping from us with him puking up sea water! And that’s only just from what I know about you all already, and I’ve only known you idiots for like, what? Hardly a few weeks?”

She picked up and took a swig of her half full tankard that sat near to her side, raising a toast while chuckling to herself darkly, “But us fucked up people have to stay together, am I right?”

_I am going to tell you the story..._

“I just -“ Caleb stuttered.

_Of how I murdered my mother and father._

“I do not wish to let you all down...”

He felt tears begin swimming in his vision and swiftly he wiped his hand across his face before then burying himself down behind his scarf to hide the uncontrollable sadness that plagued him.

He choked back tears, rubbing the back of his neck, “I don’t want you all to think I am good person, because I am not. I’m not a hero. I am just a selfish, pathetic coward who deserves what he gets...”

Caleb looked up at Beau, staring directly into her eyes as tears escaped and fell down his cheeks, “And you do not deserve to be lied to.”

All he can hear is his own voice ringing and echoing in his head. The world is quiet, and there is just nothing. There is no chaos, no screaming, there is only nothing. The words fade from his mouth and he falls to the peaceful darkness, shutting his eyes and turning his head away, inhaling the cold air around him sharply.

“None of us hate you Caleb,” Beau rebuked, “and you didn’t deserve any of that shit that happened to you. You were the victim of some fucking sadist who used you as a pawn. It wasn’t your fault, _at all._ “

Her voice became louder and more rushed as she spoke, tensing up with angered passion at the words she had just listened to Caleb speak.

_I’m not a hero._

"Bullshit!" She had thought.

Beau crossed her arms, sighing with a deep frown on her face as she turned away from the wizard who had withdrew back into himself from the sudden raise of volume in her voice. Caleb pulled his ripped and dirtied trench coat closer to his chest as an icy cold wind blew past, sending chills down his spine.

Calming herself down to speak in a more relaxed tone Beau continued, “Like I said before I’m prepared to go and help you kill that fucker Trent who did this if it will help you with what you’re going through, and I know for sure the others will help as well.”

Beau kept her eyes locked onto his, while behind her Caleb could now see a clear view of all his allies. Molly and Jester cackled and joked loudly as Yasha stood on top of the cart with Molly lifted up on her shoulders as he swayed about trying to keep his balance. He reached up to one of the branches above his head, trying to grab onto it to pull himself up to climb onto towering oak tree above. Jester ran over and pulled herself up onto the cart as well, now helping to lift him higher up as she howled with endless laughter. Fjord and Nott appeared from behind the trees after safety tying the horses, confused but amused expressions on their faces as the half-orc chuckled at the shenanigans that lay in front of him. Caleb pulled his attention back to Beau.

“You’re not alone, Caleb.” She reassured calmly, smirking.

_Alone._

Caleb sniffed, wiping the tears away from his face.

 _You’re not alone._ And maybe she was right.

Caleb buried his face into his hands, shakily exhaling. He listened closely to the voices around him, the happiness and joy in their words bringing a feeling to his darkened soul he couldn’t quite understand and making bright colours he long thought faded flow through the maze of his lost mind.

All fell to quiet and Caleb croaked out, “I am sorry...”

“You have nothing to apologies for, as long as I know I can trust you for the person you are now then we are all good, yeah?” Beau replied, her eyebrows raised awaiting for an answer.

Caleb looked up, spinning his ring in-between his fingers, “Ja...”

The smiling monk tipped up her tankard, drinking the rest of remaining alcohol in one gulp before wiping her mouth and nodding in approval, “Good.”

“Now,” Beau blurted out after putting her empty drink down with an abrupt _thud_ , “if you don’t mind me I’m going to now go try not to throw up from this awful alcohol.”

Caleb chuckled softly at her awkwardly slurred statement, watching as Beau slowly staggered up from the log she had been sitting on and started to sway over to the others who were over messing about by the nearby cart. Frumpkin purred in his ear, the calming sound vibrating through him.

His allies, _no_ \- his friends, all stood with glowing radiant joy as they conversed in friendly banter and conversation and echoed throughout the night. He looked out upon them all, the empty and sickening feeling that sat in the pit of his stomach fading from the thoughts of his mind. He simply watched, becoming distracted and consumed in their own happiness and bliss that sunk within him and begun to wither away the fog of self-loathing darkness that he had earlier been plagued with. And he saw Nott, the small goblin he had met so many moons ago talking freely without her usual guarded and skittish nature as she messed about without a care or worry in the world.

Caleb felt a strange yet luminous spark of life warm and settle into chest, spreading out and flowing through into his veins.

_How lucky I have been to have had all of you. How lucky indeed._

Caleb found himself smiling, a sincere and soothingly peaceful smile that turned his cheeks red and made his heart sing a song he hadn’t heard it sing in years.

Perhaps he did make the right choice after all, and maybe he was already home.

Maybe he truly was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Did I sneak in a Vax quote? Yes, yes I very much did.


End file.
